I Can’t Cook

I’ve never really been one to play around with foody delights in the kitchen. Sure, I’ve enjoyed cooking in the past but given my proclivity to be a sloppy male, cooking hasn’t been a strong suite for me. Well, as life would have it, I’ve started making some of my own food. I’m (mostly) following the Paleo dietary format because I’ve done it before and it felt great. In the paleo diet, there’s a lot of meat and vegetables and fruit. You primarily avoid processed foods and sugars, grains, and legumes. That pretty much knocks out any food that you can just have sitting around for long periods of time, which means that paleo requires a lot of cooking. Oddly enough, I’ve found myself having all sorts of culinary adventures! Allow me to share what I have learned.

1) Chard is the cloaked assassin of the plant kingdom.

Chard is a leafy green vegetable (pictured here) that quite honestly wants to kill you. Look at that green bad boy…an innocent leafy bunch of healthy looking plant matter. You may look at such a collection of chard and think to yourself, “Well, golly gee whiz! That looks like something I could eat and even enjoy! I think I’ll make a salad!” This is what the chard wants you to think. You see, the chard is out to get anyone and everyone. It is lonely because it is despised by it’s cousins in the Vegetable Kingdom for being a brutish and bitter vegetable. The chard cries tears of loneliness that poisons its soul as it plots it’s inevitable revenge against King Carrot and the vegetable subjects of the Green City! If you were to eat chard, he would take out his wrath on you! What am I getting at, you ask? I’ll tell you! Chard is a deceptive little weed that looks delicious but in fact makes your mouth feel as if you’ve brushed your teeth with a sewer rat. Sound delicious? I didn’t think so. Beware of chard…it’s a seriously sick sprout.

2. Cauliflower is a nice guy who’s often overl(c)ooked.

Whereas chard is the very epitome of a very vitriolic vegetable, cauliflower is the often-overlooked outsider of Plantopolis. Chard is the mangy bully that sneers at you through his aura of body-stink. Cauliflower is the polite middle-class child who is studying to be a forensic ornithologist (yes, that’s a real profession.) He’s a pleasant fellow, but because he’s got an odd fascination with birds, his classmate keep an arm’s length. But, cauliflower is a guy you can really trust to pull through in a pinch. He can be anything! Tonight, he was a Cocoa-Toasted Cauliflower delight. It tasted like a dessert but it was a vegetable. THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, PEOPLE! Vegetables and desserts are diametrically opposed entities! They’re Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader! Hitler and puppies! Chocolate and baboons! But tonight, Dessert and Vegetable were a lovely couple, dancing by the beach before being smashed together in an oven and cooked to chocolatey perfection. It was a seriously seductive snack.

3. Meat is the master

How can you go wrong with a name like that?

“Hi, what’s your name?” ”
“Nice to meet you.”

The great thing about meat is you can have a meet-and greet at the same time that you’re having a meat-and-eat. You know what we call meat sheets? Bacon! Bacon is also delicious but it’s not as favorable in Paleo because it will kill you. And I don’t mean in the, “If I eat this, it will get stuck in my arteries and I’ll die” sense. I mean that bacon will fight you back when you try and cook it. It lets off little minions that scream bloody murder as they jump from the pan and end their glorious crusade against your skin, which is not conditioned to ward of little greasy fireballs.

If you made it to the end, I congratulate you. There’s no way any of that made any sense, but I will summarize. Chard is gross. Avoid if you value your life. Cauliflower can be quite tasty if you turn it into desert. Meat is delicious and bacon is out to get you.

That’s all, folks!





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