Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Marriage

waiting-on-the-lord1

Pretty picture

The title of this post may seem like I’m going to launch into a neo-Christian heresy about how the Greek root of such-and-such word actually means that we can have sex whenever we want, and waiting for marriage is a sham.

But that’s not what this post is about, so you can put away your pitchforks and douse your torches.

Should you wait for marriage to have sex? Yes, that’s so soundly Biblical it’s not even open for debate. But there are good reasons on WHY we should wait and there are bad reason, and there is one popular reason that I’ve discovered that really isn’t Biblical.

Marriage Isn’t The Ultimate Goal

I ran into this blog from Grace for the road that was published about a year and a half ago, talking about why she got rid of her purity ring. The post was called I Don’t Wait Anymore. To give you an idea of what she’s talking about, here’s a killer quote from that post:

“But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.

If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.

So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?

Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.

A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior. [emphasis added]”

There is a longstanding movement to sign the little pledge card, put on your purity ring, and then commit to waiting for marriage. Which is awesome, because you should wait to have sex until you’re married. But inadvertently, that little card or purity ring comes to mean something else entirely, that you’re making a deal with God by exchanging your patience for His promise. But it doesn’t work that way. Waiting for marriage is about glorifying God in Christ through obedience; not a leverage mechanism for forcing a spouse out of God.

Being Single Can Suck…I Know

I deeply sympathize with my brothers and sisters in Christ who are patiently searching for a spouse. But even for those married or engaged couples, marriage is not the end goal. Christ is. As the author of the blog states, we need a savior, not a deal. It’s so easy to let our perceptions of our own happiness cloud what we really, truly need, which is Christ.

As humans, we often put our faith in Christ on a conditional basis; contingent upon our circumstances. When our circumstances change, our faith wavers. And in this case, faith becomes attached to waiting for a spouse, and when one doesn’t show up, the faith disappears.

I guess the point is that we are fulfilled in Christ already and marriage will not change that. We have every thing we need in Him. Just like Ephesians 1:3 says, we have been blessed with ALL blessings in Christ. We have it all.

Don’t Give Up

So I just want to say, don’t give up. Don’t make your faith in Christ contingent on a circumstance in your life, because He actually is working everything for your good, if you love Him (Romans 8:28). Wait because it matters to God, but don’t wait because you think you can store up brownie points with Jesus that you can eventually cash in for a spouse.

That’s it. I hope I came across well, but please sound off in the comments if you have a different perspective!

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51 thoughts on “Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Marriage

  1. I loved this perspective! Really enjoying your blog.

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  2. Well said. I’m a new follower and enjoy reading your posts.

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  3. so worth the read, waiting to have sex after marriage is good but ‘waiting’ should put your life on pause. Every morning God gives us new grace to go forth and enjoy the magnificent world he created for us and to share his glory; when put in proper perspective sex becomes just a drop in the bucket.

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  4. Somehow marriage can leave you feeling just as lonely too. Even marriage has its draw backs, especially if either husband or wife is not putting God first in their marriage. Sometimes in marriage, I find myself waiting for my husband to “get it”. I want him to be a good father to my kids, but I can’t nag him. I want him to be a good husband to me, but I can’t force him to show me love. There are many ways in which marriage can feel isolating and lonely. This is when I start to feel that maybe God has it out for me (so wrong on my end to think that way) and that this so called gift of marriage is a sham. I have found myself at times wondering what all this hoopla of marriage is about. It’s often times sacrificial and thankless and all the “my wants” often get squashed. I sometimes feel like I sacrifice way more of myself than he does and get far less in return. There are so many books that talk about how women should pray for their husbands, be a servant, do the Proverbs 31 thing, and basically have sex at their beck and call. But how many books are there about men not doing their end of the bargain? Even the books written to men aren’t being read because men don’t think they need to change. So this makes me sound like I’m bitter but honestly, I have seen my husband trying and that gives me some hope that God is working in him. It’s not as fast as I want it and I still find myself biting my tongue when he’s sitting on his computer and I’m putting all the kids to bed by myself, but at least there is something there to work towards.

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    • Michelle, I hope your husband reads your comment! 🙂 Sounds like he needs to step up, but praise God that he is making progress! I’m not married (yet…3 months) but I know from Biblical teaching that marriage is one of many ways that God uses to change us to be more like Christ. Just know that when it’s hard, Jesus knows what you’re going through. After all, His bride is the church and we’ve got to be a handful to be married to!

      Well, I hope to fill some of that void and talk about how men should be. We often take Ephesians 5 and put it on the woman, about her submitting to her husband. But we don’t focus as much on the other half…that husbands needs to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus did everything for the Church and was slaughtered on a cross for her. That’s a pretty high standard to live up to!

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      • Kameron, no I didn’t have my husband read this but I do talk to him almost every night about stuff. That’s what we do–communicate. It’s been better lately. I think it has helped being in a church where men are held to the higher standard–God’s standard and the pastor will call them out when they aren’t. I was recently in a meeting and the Pastor asked my husband straight out, “Why didn’t you protect your wife?” Do you know how much my husband went home and thought about that afterwards? A lot. Now my husband is stepping up. But I’m not saying my husband has to step up and only him. I do too. I have to trust in his guidance which isn’t easy because sometimes he is more concerned with the football game that is on TV than his wife who is crying in her bed about some anxious thing. That’s the moments where I realize all I have is Christ. I can’t change my husband but I can be open with him and honest and let him know things. It’s easy to keep things from him because of hurts and pain, but when I do tell him things, he at least tries to care (once he takes his eyes off the TV..lol). I think wives have to learn to trust their husbands even when its hard to (because we think we are more wise than they are) and when husbands put on the big boy pants and start doing what God called them to do which is lead. It’s a two way street. No one is perfect, but husbands can have high expectations of their wives just as much as women can have high expectations of their husbands. So it goes both ways. But it gets better when we learn to lean on Christ and follow the example he gives us.

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    • Perhaps you would have been happier had you chosen to marry a woman instead of a man. Men are not women and more often than not – yes this includes females who claim to be Christians – the average female’s expectations for the man in their life are unreasonable, self centered and yes Unbiblical.

      To be truly happy in a marriage with a man it is necessary for a female to realize that her man isn’t broken and doesn’t need of her very own special brand of repair. But the source of her unhappiness lies within herself and the unreasonable expectations of men our society; and yes the church itself has taught females to expect as their due.

      Until you overcome this unreasonable expectation you will never be happy in your marriage.

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      • Dmgreen, I think your premise is a little flawed. While it’s not a woman’s job to “fix” her man, he definitely is broken. A marriage is a commitment between two broken sinners. The husband falls short and so does the wife, but they each must seek Christ for fulfillment. Happiness in marriage is NOT about a wife suddenly deciding to not hold her husband to a biblical standard.

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      • Physical heal thyself. More often then not females – both Christian and non Christian – project their own brokenness on their mates with the approval of their religious leaders and society at large. Over the years I have observed Christian – so called – females within my own family and in society in general who used the “brokenness” of their mates to justify their own special brand of immorality as they destroyed their own families. If the leaders of Christianity want to maintain their credibility they are going to have to do a better job of holding their female members to Biblical standards instead of actively colluding with them and Satana in fixing their so called broken mates.

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      • Yep, I would have been happier marrying a woman because at least they care. Geesh. Seriously? I do not have high expectations of my husband. I ask him to read devotions to my kids. Is that unbiblical? No. I ask him to support me, not sit in front of the television zoning out on life. Is that unbiblical? Absolutely not. I ask my husband to be the spiritual leader of my home and not make me do it….because I am the one carrying the load of spiritual warfare for my family. That is not unbiblical. These are selfish? Is it selfish to want to be closer to God or for my children to be closer to God? I love how men especially are so quick to call a woman selfish when they ask their husbands to step up and act like the men God called them to be. Aye carumba.

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    • I have been on the other side of that situation. The more she nagged the more I retreated. We are divorced because we had the wrong focus. I have been single for a long time now,13 years. So you could say Ive been in both shoes. Many guys like myself would respond to,”Honey I need help.” As confident as guys like to portray themselves, we still need constant acceptance and to feel valuable. I admire your dedication to not nag, but I would add a positive aspect to it. Reinforce good with praise. Don’t just not say the bad but say the good when you see it.

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  5. Pingback: If You Give a Child a Mini Candybar… and Other Thoughts | Her Nomad Life

  6. Hi. New here, and totally enjoyed this.
    The purpose of marriage is NOT to have sex, it’s to picture Christ and the Church. (Sex, picturing worship…)
    Marriage, therefore, is an awesome privilege, one we must be conscientiously aiming in the right direction. Marriage for the purpose of sex is like choosing your church according to the worship: Is it too loud, too old-fashioned, too modern, too unmusical, too–or not enough–of ANYTHING.
    Instead, we must seek God about who, when, where, if, etc.,and look for Godliness, just as in anything else in life.
    Just my observations over 42 1/2 years with the same ol’ guy. 🙂

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    • Thanks for stopping by! I love your perspective. Marriage is absolutely about picturing Jesus and the Church. It requires sacrifice. Thank you for your observations!

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  7. Thank you for following my blog. I hope you continue to find something of interest to you there.

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  8. My husband and I have been teaching on relationships and courtship for years, especially to youth. It is really not about setting rules for yourself for we are bound to fail, but for the grace of God. Great point on serving the Savior, not a deal or a cause. I think that’s the point many are missing. We have many followers but not many disciples willing to lay down their lives and desires.

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    • Agreed; it’s easy to set up rules and think that those will “save” us but it’s the work of Christ in our hearts that actually does the changing. Thanks for stopping by!

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  9. Love thisthis and Amen! Thank you for the follow. Will do the same.

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  10. commitment is a beautiful thing. Read my blog on the stamp and how I married my wife and you will see why your post resonates with me.

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  11. Pingback: No Reason to Wait | The Elephant in The Bar

  12. Was just thinking about this this very morning after meeting with yet another friend that rushed into marriage in order to have “legitimate sex” because most of the changes in my part of the world tend to rush young people in relationships to get married and avoid falling into sexual temptation. Which is a great teaching BUT the inadvertent result is that many realise marriage is about more than sex and soon get jaded, oh and since they never really developed other aspects of their relationships, it tends to get stale pretty quickly after exchanging their vows.

    I like your perspective though, marriage is about edifying you and drawing you closer to God rather an a just reward for all those years you spent waiting on God to give you a spouse and not really developing other aspects of your character/ your personal relationship with Him.

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    • There is definitely that danger. Marriage is a whole lot more than sex, and we need a wholesome theology that teaches all of it. Exactly; thanks for your feedback!

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  13. Reblogged this on God'sCharacter and commented:
    This is a great post showing how so many people who grew up Christian often seek to strike a bargain with God…We bargain our virginity.

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  14. Thank you for the follow! I like this post.

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  15. Thanks for checking out my blog! I’m glad you liked it enough to follow. I appreciate your view of seeking Christ first. I see that in your posts. He is what matters most. Thank you for excellent, thoughtful, God honoring writing.

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  16. Reblogged this on GettingToKnowPeople and commented:
    Are you or anyone you know sitting around, fiddling with your purity ring waiting for a spouse so you can finally 1)have a spouse and/or 2)’get some’? Check this out either way

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  17. I’m guilty of this act. Trying to put my life back in shape. Patience pays in the end. I’ve learnt the hard way. This was worth reading. Keep the good works.
    YH bless!
    shalom!

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  18. Very well said. We should wait because it would be, and is, a hard life if we don’t wait. Unwed pregnancies, venereal disease, and broken hearts are just a few more reasons to wait, not because God will send the perfect mate. There isn’t one. Wait because waiting will make you a happier person, single or married.

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  19. All I can say is “Amen.”

    I’ve been married for 27 years to my best friend, but we married young.
    I have a daughter now who is in this place; 21 and now descent guys in sight. It’s hard. But she has such a sweet faith and trust in God. It inspires me.

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    • I’m getting married to my best friend in a few months! 😀

      It’s quite a problem…no men who want to act like it. Lots of boys, though. That’s the key. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

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  20. Wow, thanks. I was searching for this EXACT thing most of the week. I wish that people would write more about this. I really appreciate the post

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  21. Pingback: Snowed In | Does Courtship Make Sense?

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